Monday, April 25, 2011

Keep My Drafty Heart Alive

It's so wonderful, those times as a believer, when I feel close to God, close to His heart. I feel His arms around me. I see Him smile at me. My heart is overwhelmed by His love for me, his daughter.

But there are other times.
Times when I feel the draft of a cold wind shudder through my heart.
Times when I look...
And I listen...
But I can't seem to even make out His shape, let alone hear His voice or feel His arms.

I know in my head that He is still the God who is there. And I know He's a BIG God. But I can feel a chilliness in my heart that is unsettling to me. I think I feel that draft when I take my eyes off of Him and start looking at me.

There are lots of reasons for me to look at me.
I have my responsibilities, like taking care of my family or following through on volunteer commitments. I have my hobbies, like writing this blog and reading my books and keeping all the ideas that go pinging around in my head from careening into each other. I have my worries, like the kids or the mortgage or current events. I have my besetting sin, like those things I just can't seem to kick, no matter what. I have my past--my failures--that sometimes keep me awake at night.

As soon as I start to focus on me, I lose focus of God. My flesh must be an awfully powerful force to overtake and obscure my BIG God. And yet it does.

Then the draft blows across my heart.

Last week, the week before Easter, I was feeling drafty again. My sins and my failures have a way, especially during Holy Week, of really getting me down and reminding me just how far short I fall of being worthy of Jesus' finished work on the Cross. Never mind that that is the whole point of the Cross. A drafty heart is not a logical heart.

But God is so good. There I was, in my chilly state, putting one foot in front of the other and trying ever so hard to keep my mind off the weight of my unworthiness. I was in the middle of a read aloud with the kids, and right there in the text of the book, the main character reminds the other two characters that "He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world to be holy and blameless before Him." (Ephesians 1:4) And it gets better. "In love, he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will." (v.5-6)

And it was rhema. It was like a warm blanket on my cold heart. It was just the thing I needed to hear. And I wasn't even looking for it. God just took matters in hand and brought His word to me from an unlikely source. There is something wonderful and warming about being reminded that God's choice of me was a choice of long ago.

Long before my birth...
Before my sin...
Before my failures...
Before my worries and my self-centeredness and my busy-ness.
Before the foundation of the world.

I daresay if I could really get a hold of that reality, I would never take my focus off of God.
I would always be all about His glory. But I am back again to the fact that everything that is accomplished in my life is the work of God.
Not mine.
Not one bit.

This evening, I heard "Jesus, Keep My Heart Alive" by Sanctus Real. It was another reminder that keeping my heart warm and alive is a work of the Holy Spirit. And even when I'm not holding on to Him, He is keeping my heart alive.

I'm so tired of politics and all this bad news.
I'm so tired of chasing the moment, instead of chasing You.
I let the world wear me down; I'm desensitized.
Jesus, keep my heart alive. Keep my heart alive.
Only You can save me from a world that's breaking right before my eyes.
Take these empty 'hallelujahs' and fill my lungs again.
Cause I want to sing, and I want to mean it. I want to feel again
And let the world hear the sound of something divine.
Jesus, keep my heart alive. Keep my heart alive.
Only you can save me when my hope is fading, and I'm losing this fight.
Keep my heart alive.

No comments:

Post a Comment