How to Make God Laugh With Three Easy Words

"I will never..."

"I will never get married."

Yes, I said this once upon a time. I did not have time for husbands. I had plans. Big plans. I was going to get a degree in journalism and head to New York to rob Jane Paulie of her job and be the lone undercover, conservative journalist. So I got my degree in communications with some journalism, communication law, scriptwriting, and movie-making on the side.

What really happened: Enter Brett.

Me: Is that shining armor I see?

God: heh, heh, heh...

"I will never have kids."

Choke. I can't believe I said this, but once upon a time, I didn't have time in my oh-so-important life for children. I had places to go, things to move and shake, and no time for home fires.

What really happened: Enter Z. And A. And L. And E. And G. Then J. Then C. Then E. Then H. Then J.

Me: Hey! Someone stole my heart!

God: ho, ho, ho...

"I will never homeschool."

Once upon a time, I thought homeschoolers were overprotective freaks who multiplied like rabbits and did herbs and read badly written pop novels.

What really happened: I could not bring myself to turn out those wee folk who stole my heart to be educated by the government.

Me: Wow! Homeschoolers are serious educators who rarely read anything that doesn't have a Caldecott or a Newbery emblazoned on the front.

God: HA HA HA!

"I will never have homebirths."

Another comment I can barely believe came out of my mouth. But once upon a time, I wanted anesthesia and vitamin K shots and doctors.

What really happened: My fifth child got a fever because the doctor insisted on seeing her IN HIS OFFICE at four days. We ended up in the ER with four failed spinal taps, one baby who was totally fine (as I kept insisting to the staff), and one extremely angry, post-partum, grizzly bear mama. Five delightful, intimate, safe, and healthy homebirths later, I cannot believe I used to be opposed.

Me: Go to the hospital to have a baby? Why???

God: Laughing Out Loud!

"I will never be married to a pastor."

Once upon a time, I told myself that marrying a pastor would make me a pastor's wife. And I am as suited to that role as to being an Olympian knitter. Ain't nevah gonna happen, baby.

What really happened: When the old pastor quit out of the blue one day, my husband and the other founding guy were left holding the reigns. And that made me a ... pastor's wife. Ho.ly.cow.

Me: I can change. If I have to. I guess.

God: ROTFL!!!

No matter how true they seem at the moment, I am learning to resist saying things like:
"I will never move to Lubbock"...or...

"I will never leave the Republican Party"...or...

"I will never go to a Justin Beiber concert."

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." (Proverbs 16:9)

How well I know that.

For all those once-upon-a-times are only fairy tales; but God's plans lead to the true happily-ever-afters.