I'm So Vain

"WHAT THE HECK?!"

I was only in the fitting room for a few minutes. That's when I noticed them. Dimples. And they were not the cute kind on the cheeks, nor the sexy kind on the cleft of the chin. They were the hideous kind--on my biceps. Or where my biceps used to be.

The other day, I bent down to tie my running shoes, and I noticed that my knees were disappearing. My thighs are encroaching upon them faster than the Pacific Ocean on the Japanese coast...which is why I was tying my running shoes.

Yeah, I started running again. I've never been much of an athlete. I enjoy golf and outdoor racquetball. And I ran cross-country in high school. But, even then, I was far from our team's star runner. So, taking up running again is something of a feat for me.

And to combat those nasty dimples, I am also doing weights again.

Which is why it now hurts to type this post.

I am hardly a health nut. In my food pyramid, ice cream is a food group all of its own. To be enjoyed daily. In heaping portions. Chocolate is a close second. Followed by Polish food. On the other hand, I inherited a killer metabolism from both of my parents, which means I burn calories watching tv.

Or, at least, I used to.

Before I turned 43.

Yesterday, I was outside enjoying the weather with my younger kids. Someone (young and fleet of foot) suggested we play hide and seek. We've got a great yard for hide and seek, so I thought this was a good idea.

Until my six year old was "It."

That's when he leaped after me as I was making my way to base. And that's when I turned on the speed--enough speed to beat my six year old back to base--which I did by the skin of my teeth. Since when could a six year old almost outrun me? It was another blow to my vanity.

Today, I asked two of the kids if they wanted to run with me. As we started off down our street, my 10 year old quipped, "Running. This isn't running. This is jogging."

Raspberries.

And top off the dimples and disappearing knees with the haircut from hell and, dang it all, if I don't just start shopping for burqas instead of bathing suits this summer.

Vanity is a costly, worthless pursuit. Oh, I still wear make-up. We'll call it a kindness. And I'll still try to manage this mop that grows out of the top of my head. But I can always fall back on my famous yellow cap.

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain."

I want to be a woman who fears the Lord.

Besides, there's so much perogi--and so little time.